Friday, February 6, 2015

Week 79/ I Found Home.

It is incredible to me how much one little place can fill me. How can a place fill up so much space within me? I feel as though my heart belongs to Slovenija. I would like to call it home. I feel as though faces I see in passing, or people I embrace, and begin laughing is all put in my heart and brings me courage for a new day. I felt like I would be coming back here to Slovenija, so the goodbyes weren’t actually goodbyes. I feel like I was chasing them out really. I look to my friends here, acquaintances, and people I haven’t yet met and I have a deep feeling for them. I never will get over that and I wouldn’t want to. I have talked with people and I would begin to explain to them just who they are to me in the past year in a half. It is hard for people to take… Maybe my perspective is off about them… Or maybe our minds like to do tricking and tell us we are not enough. That when someone says good things about you it is all just one big fairy tale that people just spurt from their lips and never think on again. Or mean anything by all means. 

I read this quote the other day and felt a deep thickness of meaning behind it, ‘’love yourself as much as you want to be loved.’’ I tell truth. I tell from the heart. I see the magic that lies within all of us. What God has placed in us. Sometimes I miscalculate and sometimes I misdeed a person but my thoughts rely on love to fill back a void of uncertainty. I know you can’t love everyone and there are going to be people in our lives where we just don’t blend well together. It doesn’t mean we are cruel, it doesn’t mean we didn’t try our hardest. It means we have something to learn from and loving everyone is a process that takes more than 100 years to grasp on to even the beginning of comprehension. 

I want to love and be loved and as I gaze at my experiences and the people I grew to love I feel as though it was worth it. It was worth all the hard, all the bad… All the times we wanted to crawl back into bed or give up. All the times we didn’t feel enough or wasn’t doing enough. I found that life isn’t perfect and we aren’t perfect, but we can take what we have and share it with others and enjoy the life that was given to us, together. I am harsh on myself; I sometimes feel I could be a little more… I get scatterbrained and I can’t recall who I was meant to be at points. I am not perfect by any means. But, I know that when that happens God is near me. He has His arms reaching to us. To shape us, build us, and polish us a little more. I feel the spirit work through me. I feel God’s love even when sometimes I feel as though it’s billion miles away. The feeling comes in as a soft wind and it gently puts us on the path we have been looking for. I want to always be coming back to this gospel. To rely on it and let my self lean on it always. I want to keep in touch with those precious friends that became something more to me here. I want to be a missionary the rest of my life, to love and to learn that love by giving it to others. 

We had English Class for the last time and one man came in that day and wanted to give me a gift to say goodbye. He is the sweetest old man and I treasured the time I got to be with him. I told him I was coming back to see him. He told me, "you are going to forget me.’’ All of me wanted him to know that I would never forget him. I told him, ‘’Just you wait. I will come back and I will see you again, I will see you again.’’ I will never forget these people. I will never forget what they did for me. I know so many days where I was having a rough one and yet, I would go out and try to talk to people. It helped me to realize we must talk and help others- to help ourselves. The people here in Slovenija are angels. Yes they have there own way of living or thinking but they made the experience worthwhile they opened my eyes. They taught me who I wanted to be. The members are few here, but how strong they are. 

The rain poured a lot this week. Our shoes became so soaked. I loved it. I loved that the sky even cries.

We made it to President’s house my last day and we had a testimony meeting. We talked a lot about our future. The next morning we were heading off to Austria and as we were half way on the flight they turned us around and got us on a different flight. We missed a lot of planes and stayed a night in Vienna. When we were finally in the United States- we were running to the gate to try to catch our next flight and I went in front of the others and raced to get it. I admit I was sweating and I was wearing the same clothes for two days and my hair was in a bun...(I looked rocking) I made it to the gate and the lady told me we just missed it by 2 minutes. It was a long 2 days. Yet, I met many people and bore my testimony. Maybe God wanted us to have a little more missionary life before we were home. I was grateful for the experience.

I didn’t expect myself to react as I did when I saw my family. I didn’t expect to look through the crowd and see my mom’s face. She stood there and smiled. My heart began to beat from out my chest and I couldn’t believe I was so close to her. I was finally in reach of her. My feet began to move at quicker speeds and as I closed the distance, I said, ‘’you, I want you.” I grabbed my mom. It was beautiful to see my family. It was beautiful to sleep in such a good bed that night.

My mind still runs to Slovenija a lot. I tend to think about it constantly. I miss it. I miss my service and feeling God’s love for the people there. I hope you know that Slovenija. I hope you know how much I love you. How much you became my home. I’ve seen this gospel transform you little by little, I have seen the spirit work through you... You'll keep growing. You are such a sight to behold. I cannot wait to see you again. 
Until then. 

Sister Cuthbert

Thoughts on the plane.

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